What is this all about, you may ask? Well, as a writer, my mind is full of ideas for new novels. Some of these ideas make it (The Bleeding Hills and American Male Prostitute), others are either put on hold or don’t make it at all. The day has only 24 hours. You may add the night, which makes another 12 hours, and you skip lunch hour. That makes 37 hours per day… if you catch my drift. Not enough time for all ideas to make it into a novel. I have kept three titles in a basket, and here are eight ideas for book titles that didn’t make it:

My Love Affair With Osama Bin Laden

What? You think, the man is not attractive? Read this book, and you will find a few secrets that even the CIA would like to learn.

Diary of an Obsessive Compulsive Bitch

Does bad sex justify murder? Doesn’t it drive you crazy when the service at Starbucks denies you your decaf soymilk latte? How do you get even with a roommate that puts glass chips into your toothpaste? This book addresses social issues not yet recognized by today’s society.

The Poop About Pregnancy

Before you read “What To Expect When You’re Expecting,” and especially before you give birth, you should read this book. There are many aspects about pregnancy that your doctor doesn’t want to tell you.

Victoria Beckham’s Interviews With Famous Authors

Yes, Victoria has never read a book in her life, but that doesn’t mean she can’t maintain a conversation (or publish her memoirs). If you are curious about how she weasels herself out of a precarious situation, you must read this book.

All US Interstates Lead To Exit

A US travel guide to almost every town in America.

Maintain Your Erection

Now that you have erected the swing for your three-year-old… What? You think the title is misleading? But it sells. Right?

Have You Filed Reincarnation Form RI-98726?

This is the true story of spirit T5648R, its quest for reincarnation, and the struggle with the “Other Side’s” bureaucracy. T5648R wants to be reborn as a human male anywhere outside of Greenfield, Massachusetts, a wish requiring proper filings of the proper papers.

The idea spawned after reading the New York Times on April 29, 2009, “Hans Holzer, Ghost Hunter, Dies at 89.” Hans Holzer was an Austrian-born, American pioneering paranormal researcher and author. He wrote well over 100 books on supernatural and occult subjects. What caught my attention was his conclusion that “the other side” is very much like this side, only with more red tape. The dead who wish to return to earth have to get permission from “spirit guides”, then wait in a queue and register with a clerk.

The Dead Candidate

One morning I read an intriguing article in the New York Times. Let me state upfront that it is not my intention to show any disrespect to the victims of the Jan. 8, 2011 shooting in Tucson, Arizona that left 6 people dead and 13 injured. I feel, nevertheless, disturbed by the before-mentioned article:

An Arizona Senate Race Waits to See if Giffords Emerges to Run

The New York Times, March 30, 2011 (Excerpt)

TUCSON — Representative Gabrielle Giffords is still in the hospital, but some of her most ardent backers are so enamored of the idea of her running for the Senate that they describe the inevitable campaign commercials: the deep-voiced narrator recounting what happened to her, the images of her wounded, then recovering and speaking into the camera alongside her astronaut husband to call on Arizonans to unite.

:

…several of Ms. Giffords’s longtime aides are whispering behind the scenes that she just might recover in time to run for the seat that Senator Jon Kyl, a Republican, is vacating next year.

While it might be wishful thinking, Ms. Giffords’s noncampaign is already having a major effect on Arizona politics; other prospective Democratic candidates say they feel compelled not to jump in unless she bows out, allowing Republicans to get a head start organizing their campaigns.

:

With a question mark beside her name in the Senate race, other Democratic hopefuls are working behind the scenes as carefully as they can, lining up support in case Ms. Giffords decides to stay out while taking care not to appear disrespectful to the candidate that the Democratic establishment here believes would have the best chance of winning.

Source: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/31/us/politics/31giffords.html

I, personally, find all these rumored behind-the-curtain activities despicable, to put it diplomatically. But it also shows the ruthlessness of the political system in these United States. I mean, how far will these politicians go to assure victory? And just for the record, I call myself a moderate liberal, and my wife is a registered Republican, meaning, no, I am not out to point at a specific party.

Nevertheless, here is enough material for a new novel to write for someone with knowledge of the political scenery. Being the cynic that I occasionally am, I have come up with the perfect title: The Dead Candidate, in the nature of Dead Man Walking. I believe, it would be pure fun to write about the background activities of the MYMN (Maybe Yes, Maybe No) party waiting for their candidate, who lies in a coma, to either die or run for election, while the KEA (Kill ‘em All) party is having a ball raising funds for their candidate.

In the meantime I wish Ms. Gifford and the other victims a quick recovery, physically and mentally. My thoughts are also with the people who were killed and their families.

The Monty Python Code

Professor Hubert Ringtone, America’s top specialist on religious sects, becomes an unwilling conspirator in a plot to reveal the deepest secrets of the Thetan Society, the fastest growing religious movement in the history of the world.

No! Wait! That title is already in progress… See http://frogenyozurt.com/…the-monty-python-code/

Advertisement

AMERICAN MALE PROSTITUTE

How I (Almost) Got A Book Deal Through Sex, Lies, And Deceit

Today’s publishing world is divided into two principle sections. First, there is the exclusive pool of traditional publishers, and, second, the help-yourself shark tank represented by the so-called vanity publishers.

Vanity publishers have a significant edge over traditional publishers in regards to brutality, business sense, and profitability. They ruthlessly pursue the infinite supply of aspiring writers who, in turn, are rejected by traditional publishers or literary agents. Ironically, in the world of traditional publishing, authors are rejected not necessarily due to lack of talent. Vanity publishers accept everybody and everything. No questions asked. Just pay your bill, but don’t come crying to them when you can’t sell a copy of your book.

The question remains, what does it take these days to get a book deal with a traditional publisher? What do you do when, hypothetically, you are running out of time and mere talent is not the be-all and end-all?

Stuart Martin Berry has found the answer: If you can’t impress them with your talent, baffle them with your bull-shit. [Read more, including an excerpt]

Click on image to buy from Amazon.Com

Stuart Martin Berry has only three months left to find a publisher for his first novel. In a desperate attempt to achieve his goal, he leaves his home to live in New York. His wife has given him free rein to do whatever it takes to get a book deal. Her only request was not to give her any details on how he got there. If he fails, he will be forced to give up his dream of being a famous writer and accept a regular forty-hour a week job. For Stuart, this is sufficient motivation to start a three-month adventure full of sex, lies, and deceit, without losing focus of the ultimate goal. When he finally reaches the finish line, he has evolved and become a leading expert in the fantasy world of writers, literary agents, and publishers.

To put it in a nutshell, today’s publishing world is divided into two principle sections. First, there is the exclusive pool of traditional publishers, and, second, the help-yourself shark tank represented by the so-called vanity publishers.

Vanity publishers have a significant edge over traditional publishers in regards to brutality, business sense, and profitability. They ruthlessly pursue the infinite supply of aspiring writers who, in turn, are rejected by traditional publishers or literary agents. Ironically, in the world of traditional publishing, authors are rejected not necessarily due to lack of talent. Vanity publishers accept everybody and everything. No questions asked. Just pay your bill, but don’t come crying to them when you can’t sell a copy of your book.

The question remains, what does it take these days to get a book deal with a traditional publisher? What do you do when, hypothetically, you are running out of time and mere talent is not the be-all and end-all?

Stuart Martin Berry has found the answer: If you can’t impress them with your talent, baffle them with your bull-shit.

About the Author

Wilfried F. Voss is a different sort of author. He is also the president and owner of a small publishing business, Copperhill Media. Copperhill Media was initially established to publish technical literature. After several years in business (Copperhill was established in 1993) Mr. Voss wrote his first novel The Bleeding Hills with the mere intention of getting a look & feel of publishing fiction literature. Within two years after publishing The Bleeding Hills, Mr. Voss has now published several fiction titles by authors from all over the world including the United States, the United Kingdom, and India. Ironically, Mr. Voss’ second novel American Male Prostitute – How I (Almost) Got A Book Deal Through Sex, Lies, And Deceit reflects the experience gained during the promotion of his first novel.

From the Author

“I note that you are putting together another masterwork, entitled American Male Prostitute. Might I suggest that you direct a little of that “research” towards yourself, and your own fantasy life?” – From an angry reader of my website FrogenYozurt.Com

The idea for American Male Prostitute came after reading my favorite, most useless writers’ magazine whose title shall not be uttered here. But thinking about it, it was not totally useless, since it enlightened me with enough information to learn about the bizarre world of book publishing.

To put it in a nutshell, today’s publishing world is divided into two principle sections. First, there is the exclusive pool of traditional publishers, and, second, the help-yourself shark tank represented by the so-called vanity publishers.

Vanity publishers have a significant edge over traditional publishers in regards to brutality, business sense, and profitability. They ruthlessly pursue the vast pool of aspiring writers who, in turn, are rejected by traditional publishers or literary agents. Ironically, in the world of traditional publishing, authors are rejected not necessarily due to lack of talent, but the use of the wrong font in a manuscript, an insufficient query letter, or other minor shortcomings. Vanity publishers will publish everybody and everything. No questions asked. Just pay your bill, but don’t come crying to them when you can’t sell a copy of your book.

Now, take a wild guess which of the two can afford to put serious money into full-page advertisement in writers’ magazines. These magazines, like all other publications, sit between a rock and a hard place. They are not only obligated to please their readers but also their advertisers. And here we go again; the sharks keep the upper hand. Aspiring writers are on the losing side, one way or the other, whether they consider the traditional or vanity publishing method.

On top of all that, the majority of writers’ magazines are – excuse my French – full of crap. They are full of motivational nonsense to keep their readers happy enough to continue their quest for stardom. At the same time, they keep feeding the sharks.

Just the other day, I found yet another grossly misleading advertisement that made my blood boil, and I was ready to get my hands on that computer keyboard and add a flaming entry to my blog. Maybe, I thought, I’ll make this a series and share my experiences with every new, aspiring author.

Then I remembered the saying “Don’t anger me or I will write a novel about you”, and that is exactly what I did. There is no better weapon than writing a novel about the industry. They deserve it.

And just for the record, no, I never submitted any manuscript to a literary agent or publisher. I didn’t have the time for that nonsense. Consequently, I was never rejected. My point is, my motivation to write this novel does not stem from frustration but mere perverse curiosity.

And, no, I did not get a book deal through sex, lies, and deceit. I don’t have the mandatory luscious looks, and I am very happily married, and, after all, I run my own publishing business.

Yet, I wondered, what does it take these days to get a book deal with a traditional publisher? What do you do when, hypothetically, you’re running out of time and mere talent is not the be-all and end-all?

Advertisement

AMERICAN MALE PROSTITUTE

How I (Almost) Got A Book Deal Through Sex, Lies, And Deceit

Today’s publishing world is divided into two principle sections. First, there is the exclusive pool of traditional publishers, and, second, the help-yourself shark tank represented by the so-called vanity publishers.

Vanity publishers have a significant edge over traditional publishers in regards to brutality, business sense, and profitability. They ruthlessly pursue the infinite supply of aspiring writers who, in turn, are rejected by traditional publishers or literary agents. Ironically, in the world of traditional publishing, authors are rejected not necessarily due to lack of talent. Vanity publishers accept everybody and everything. No questions asked. Just pay your bill, but don’t come crying to them when you can’t sell a copy of your book.

The question remains, what does it take these days to get a book deal with a traditional publisher? What do you do when, hypothetically, you are running out of time and mere talent is not the be-all and end-all?

Stuart Martin Berry has found the answer: If you can’t impress them with your talent, baffle them with your bull-shit. [Read more, including an excerpt]

The idea for American Male Prostitute came after reading my favorite, most useless writers’ magazine whose title shall not be uttered here. But thinking about it, it was not totally useless, since it enlightened me with enough information to learn about the bizarre world of book publishing.

To put it in a nutshell, today’s publishing world is divided into two principle sections. First, there is the exclusive pool of traditional publishers, and, second, the help-yourself shark tank represented by the so-called vanity publishers.

Vanity publishers have a significant edge over traditional publishers in regards to brutality, business sense, and profitability. They ruthlessly pursue the vast pool of aspiring writers who, in turn, are rejected by traditional publishers or literary agents. Ironically, in the world of traditional publishing, authors are rejected not necessarily due to lack of talent, but the use of the wrong font in a manuscript, an insufficient query letter, or other minor shortcomings. Vanity publishers will publish everybody and everything. No questions asked. Just pay your bill, but don’t come crying to them when you can’t sell a copy of your book.

Now, take a wild guess which of the two can afford to put serious money into full-page advertisement in writers’ magazines. These magazines, like all other publications, sit between a rock and a hard place. They are not only obligated to please their readers but also their advertisers. And here we go again; the sharks keep the upper hand. Aspiring writers are on the losing side, one way or the other, whether they consider the traditional or vanity publishing method.

On top of all that, the majority of writers’ magazines are – excuse my French – full of crap. They are full of motivational nonsense to keep their readers happy enough to continue their quest for stardom. At the same time, they keep feeding the sharks.

Just the other day, I found yet another grossly misleading advertisement that made my blood boil, and I was ready to get my hands on that computer keyboard and add a flaming entry to my blog. Maybe, I thought, I’ll make this a series and share my experiences with every new, aspiring author.

Then I remembered the saying “Don’t anger me or I will write a novel about you”, and that is exactly what I did. There is no better weapon than writing a novel about the industry. They deserve it.

And just for the record, no, I never submitted any manuscript to a literary agent or publisher. I didn’t have the time for that nonsense. Consequently, I was never rejected. My point is, my motivation to write this novel does not stem from frustration but mere perverse curiosity.

And, no, I did not get a book deal through sex, lies, and deceit. I don’t have the mandatory luscious looks, and I am very happily married, and, after all, I run my own publishing business.

Yet, I wondered, what does it take these days to get a book deal with a traditional publisher? What do you do when, hypothetically, you’re running out of time and mere talent is not the be-all and end-all?

Advertisement

AMERICAN MALE PROSTITUTE

How I (Almost) Got A Book Deal Through Sex, Lies, And Deceit

Stuart Martin Berry has only three months left to find a publisher for his first novel. In a desperate attempt to reach his goal he leaves his home to live in New York. His wife has given him free rein to do whatever it takes to get a book deal. Her only request was not to give her any details on how he got there. If he fails he will be forced to give up his dream of being a famous writer and take a regular forty hour a week job. For Stuart this is sufficient motivation to start a three month adventure full of sex, lies, and deceit, without losing focus of the ultimate goal. When he finally reaches the finish line, he has evolved and become a top expert in the publishing world.

The question remains, what does it take these days to get a book deal with a traditional publisher? What do you do when, hypothetically, you are running out of time and mere talent is not the be-all and end-all?

Stuart Martin Berry has found the answer: If you can’t impress them with your talent, baffle them with your bull-shit. [Read more, including an excerpt]

American Male Prostitute is available at Amazon.Com, Amazon.co.uk, Barnes & Noble, and any other good bookstore.

For a short time after my failure, literary agents, snobby bastards that they are, treated me like I was the carrier of a deadly disease. But they turned around and started kissing up to me as soon as I got my job as editor for the above-mentioned magazine. Until then, during an intense three-month period of shamelessly promoting my book, I had learned my lesson on persuasive bull-shitting.

Suddenly, if you believed my job description, I was not a failed novelist, but an accomplished author, who had decided to share his knowledge with the aspiring writer, to provide advice and encouragement. These days you see my photo in various publications, printed or online, identifying me as a top expert on all aspects of fiction writing. My job included, among many other things, writing about writing without being allowed to write something substantial like, let’s say, a novel.

Another essential part of my work as an editor was keeping up a fantasy world for the tens of thousands of wannabe-writers who made the mistake of subscribing to our magazine or the even more useless online forum.

Let me explain to those not familiar with the publishing business, a writers’ magazine cannot exist without the vast number of delusional writers who will never have the slightest chance of ever being published. In order to have your book published, you need to be talented and, as I was told from day one, the vast majority of our subscribers weren’t.

I was also directed to keep the information in my articles at a fairly superficial level and use ample motivational nonsense to keep our readers happy, everything to convince a dying man that he will live a long and prosperous life.

My personal favorite was an article series on dealing with and recovering from rejections, and you can bet, most of our readers have been rejected numerous times by agents and publishers alike.

Besides advertisement, we made our main revenue through online writers’ workshops, and the depthless articles filling our magazine ad nauseam were the best marketing tools. And for God’s sake, I was not to write anything that might interfere with the dubious business of the sharks that paid substantial fees for full-page advertisements in our magazine.

All that wasn’t difficult for me. As I said, bull-shitting was one of my acquired talents.

Jilly Cooper once said, the male is a domestic animal, which, if treated with firmness, can be trained to do most things. I am living proof to validate that statement.

Well, the bull-shitting life is finally over, and, honestly, I hated every single day. Deep in my soul I am an honest guy. Unfortunately, honesty doesn’t pay the bills.

Fortunately, though, about four weeks ago, my wife Sophie had accepted a job offer for a $150,000 annual salary plus benefits, and I had offered to be a stay-at-home Dad.

Our daughter Magda is now almost two years old, and my wife was itching to get back to her former job as the head of the Human Resources department of a leading insurance company based in Washington, D.C.

I have not yet decided what I will do during the copious spare time between play-group-mornings and afternoon walks in the park. I still maintain my blog and make a few bucks on the side with online advertising, just enough to cover the operating costs. I might start writing paid literature reviews or even start an editing service. With my connections to the publishing and writing industry that shouldn’t post a problem.

Llysha, another aspiring author and a dear friend of mine, had jokingly suggested starting our own publishing business, and she touted BBS, Inc. as the business name. BBS stands for “Baffle them with your Bull-Shit”, and, believe me, the name alone was a guarantee for success in the publishing industry.

To stay with the truth, I am done with writing. I am with Groucho Marx who once said, “I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.” Nevertheless, I am burning to take a final hit at the system. It deserves it.

While we’re at it, my name is not Stuart Martin Berry, and events and names have been changed to protect my family, specifically my wife. I will tell you about that grotesque period of three months, during which I tried to find a publisher for my book. My wife had given me totally free rein to do whatever it would take to get a book deal. Her only request was not to share any details of how I got there.

Advertisement

AMERICAN MALE PROSTITUTE

How I (Almost) Got A Book Deal Through Sex, Lies, And Deceit

Today’s publishing world is divided into two principle sections. First, there is the exclusive pool of traditional publishers, and, second, the help-yourself shark tank represented by the so-called vanity publishers.

Vanity publishers have a significant edge over traditional publishers in regards to brutality, business sense, and profitability. They ruthlessly pursue the infinite supply of aspiring writers who, in turn, are rejected by traditional publishers or literary agents. Ironically, in the world of traditional publishing, authors are rejected not necessarily due to lack of talent. Vanity publishers accept everybody and everything. No questions asked. Just pay your bill, but don’t come crying to them when you can’t sell a copy of your book.

The question remains, what does it take these days to get a book deal with a traditional publisher? What do you do when, hypothetically, you are running out of time and mere talent is not the be-all and end-all?

Stuart Martin Berry has found the answer: If you can’t impress them with your talent, baffle them with your bull-shit. [Read more, including an excerpt]

How I (Almost) Got A Book Deal Through Sex, Lies, And Deceit

By Wilfried F. Voss

Published by
Copperhill Media
A Copperhill Technologies Corporation Business Unit
158 Log Plain Road
Greenfield, MA 01301
USA

Copyright © 2011 by Copperhill Media

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning or otherwise, except as permitted under Sections 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without the prior written permission of the Publisher.

Disclaimer

Needless to say but, nevertheless, enforced by legal counsel, what you are about to read is based solely on the author’s dirty fantasies and vivid imagination.

All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblances to real persons, living or dead, and events are purely coincidental.

Shame on you if you believe the nonsense I write!

Also needless to say, writing and publishing this book was absolutely possible without the support of the so-called experts in the writing and publishing industry.

Nevertheless, I do thank businesses like Amazon.Com and specifically Lightning Source – An Ingram Business Unit – for their vision and support of future publishing.

My narrow view is without a doubt not representative for the entire world of writing and publishing, but I am certain of the great number of new writers who have made similar experiences.

Dedication

This book is dedicated to all writers, talented, but ignored by the system.

Also credits to Yolanda Campbell who came up with the business strategy of “If you can’t impress them with your knowledge, baffle them with your bull-shit.”

Foreword

“I note that you are putting together another masterwork, entitled American Male Prostitute. Might I suggest that you direct a little of that “research” towards yourself, and your own fantasy life?” – From an angry reader of my website FrogenYozurt.Com

The idea for American Male Prostitute came after reading my favorite, most useless writers’ magazine whose title shall not be uttered here. But thinking about it, it was not totally useless, since it enlightened me with enough information to learn about the bizarre world of book publishing.

To put it in a nutshell, today’s publishing world is divided into two principle sections. First, there is the exclusive pool of traditional publishers, and secondly the help-yourself shark tank represented by the so-called vanity publishers.

Vanity publishers have a significant edge over traditional publishers in regards to brutality, business sense, and profitability. They ruthlessly pursue the vast pool of aspiring writers who, in turn, are rejected by traditional publishers or literary agents. Ironically, in the world of traditional publishing, authors are rejected not necessarily due to lack of talent, but the use of the wrong font in a manuscript, an insufficient query letter, or other minor shortcomings. Vanity publisher will publish everybody and everything. No questions asked. Just pay your bill, but don’t come crying to them when you can’t sell a copy of your book.

Now, take a wild guess which of the two can afford to put serious money into full-page advertisement in writers’ magazines. These magazines, like all other publications, sit between a rock and a hard place. They are not only obligated to please their readers but also their advertisers. And here we go again; the sharks keep the upper hand. Aspiring writers are on the losing side, one way or the other, whether they consider the traditional or vanity publishing method.

On top of all that, the majority of writers’ magazines are – excuse my French – full of crap. They are full of motivational nonsense to keep their readers happy enough to continue their quest for stardom. At the same time, they keep feeding the sharks.

Just the other day, I found yet another grossly misleading advertisement that made my blood boil, and I was ready to get my hands on that computer keyboard and add a flaming entry to my blog. Maybe, I thought, I’ll make this a series and share my experiences with every new, aspiring author.

Then I remembered the saying “Don’t anger me or I will write a novel about you”, and that is exactly what I did. There is no better weapon than writing a novel about the industry. They deserve it.

And just for the record, no, I never submitted any manuscript to a literary agent or publisher. I didn’t have the time for that nonsense. Consequently, I was never rejected. My point is, my motivation to write this novel does not stem from frustration but mere perverse curiosity.

And, no, I did not get a book deal through sex, lies, and deceit. I don’t have the mandatory luscious looks, and I am very happily married, and, after all, I run my own publishing business.

Yet, I wondered, what does it take these days to get a book deal with a traditional publisher? What do you do when, hypothetically, you’re running out of time and mere talent is not the be-all and end-all?

Prologue

My name is Stuart Martin Berry and, until last week, I was an associate editor for one of the largest magazines dedicated to the dream world of writers and poets. Like many of my ex-colleagues, I am also a failed novelist. My first and so far last novel, a thriller titled Rules of Extortion, never made it into print. That was almost two years ago, and, with my pregnant wife pressing me to get a job that, in fact, created sufficient income, I considered my writing career as being over and done with.

For a short time after my failure, literary agents, snobby bastards that they are, treated me like I was the carrier of a deadly disease. But they turned around and started kissing up to me as soon as I got my job as editor for the above-mentioned magazine. Until then, during an intense three-month period of shamelessly promoting my book, I had learned my lesson on persuasive bull-shitting.

Suddenly, if you believed my job description, I was not a failed novelist, but an accomplished author, who had decided to share his knowledge with the aspiring writer, to provide advice and encouragement. These days you see my photo in various publications, printed or online, identifying me as a top expert on all aspects of fiction writing. My job included, among many other things, writing about writing without being allowed to write something substantial like, let’s say, a novel.

Another essential part of my work as an editor was keeping up a fantasy world for the tens of thousands of wannabe-writers who made the mistake of subscribing to our magazine or the even more useless online forum.

Let me explain to those not familiar with the publishing business, a writers’ magazine cannot exist without the vast number of delusional writers who will never have the slightest chance of ever being published. In order to have your book published you need to be talented and, as I was told from day one, the vast majority of our subscribers weren’t.

I was also directed to keep the information in my articles at a fairly superficial level and use ample motivational nonsense to keep our readers happy, everything to convince a dying man that he will live a long and prosper life.

My personal favorite was an article series on dealing with and recovering from rejections, and you can bet most of our readers have been rejected numerous times by agents and publishers alike.

Besides advertisement, we made our main revenue through online writers’ workshops, and the depthless articles filling our magazine ad nauseam were the best marketing tools. And for God’s sake, I was not to write anything that might interfere with the dubious business of the sharks that paid substantial fees for full-page advertisements in our magazine.

All that wasn’t difficult for me. As I said, bull-shitting was one of my acquired talents.

Jilly Cooper once said, the male is a domestic animal, which, if treated with firmness, can be trained to do most things. I am living proof to validate that statement.

Well, the bull-shitting life is finally over, and, honestly, I hated every single day. Deep in my soul I am an honest guy. Unfortunately, honesty doesn’t pay the bills.

Fortunately, though, about four weeks ago, my wife Sophie had accepted a job offer for a $150,000 annual salary plus benefits, and I had offered to be a stay-at-home Dad.

Our daughter Magda is now almost two years old, and my wife was itching to get back to her former job as the manager of the Human Resources department of a leading insurance company based in Washington, D.C.

I have not yet decided what I will do during the copious spare time between play-group-mornings and afternoon walks in the park. I still maintain my blog and make a few bucks on the side with online advertising, just enough to cover the operating costs. I might start writing paid literature reviews or even start an editing service. With my connections to the publishing and writing industry that shouldn’t post a problem.

Llysha, another aspiring author and a dear friend of mine, had jokingly suggested starting our own publishing business, and she touted BBS, Inc. as the business name. BBS stands for “Baffle them with your Bull-Shit”, and, believe me, the name alone was a guarantee for success in the publishing industry.

To stay with the truth, I am done with writing. I am with Groucho Marx who once said, “I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.” Nevertheless, I am burning to take a final hit at the system. It deserves it.

While we’re at it, my name is not Stuart Martin Berry, and events and names have been changed to protect my family, specifically my wife. I will tell you about that grotesque period of three months, during which I tried to find a publisher for my book. My wife had given me totally free rein to do whatever it would take to get a book deal. Her only request was not to share any details of how I got there.

Sunday, September 21

I woke up with a headache and checked the alarm clock. It was Sunday at 2:24 in the morning. Sandie and I had been partying all night, and the mixture of alcohol and cigarette smoke was never a fortunate combination for me.

Sandie lay beside me, and, as usual, was fully covered with the light-blue silk blanket. I leaned over and cautiously removed the cover to take another look at her huge, heaving breasts, and I shook my head. Sandie was a remarkably attractive woman, and I was sure her breasts, in their original size and shape, were as perfect as the rest of her body. Why a beautiful woman like her would mutilate her body and have a pound of plastic added to either side, is still beyond me. Her argument was, of course, the pursuit of an acting career, and I didn’t question her. After all, she still believed I was the son of the executive director of MGM Studios. I had made the title up on the fly, and I had to play the game.

I pulled the blanket back over her and cautiously stepped off the bed to go to the bathroom. I glimpsed my reflection in the mirror and shook my head. I had looked better than the man who stared at me from the other side. I turned to open the bathroom closet and retrieved a bottle of Advil.

For a moment, I felt tempted to swallow the entire contents but decided against it. I took two pills, walked over to the kitchen area of my Manhattan studio where I threw in the pills and gulped down a glass of water. I shook my head in disgust, and then I just stood there to decide how to go from here.

The choice was between going back to bed or doing something else. That something else, I decided, was to sit on the couch with a large glass of seltzer and start up my laptop. I had to be quiet. From where I was sitting I could see the large bed at the other end of the studio, and I was not in the mood to talk to her right at that moment.

As a matter of fact, I was already thinking about a way to get rid of her. I still had some confectionary sugar and some bendable straws, which, when arranged in the proper way, would hopefully reveal a drug addiction. Honestly, I don’t have any experience with sniffing cocaine, but I have had my fair share of Law & Order on TV.

The trick had worked with Erin, knowing that her first boyfriend had overdosed a few years ago. It would be a crapshoot with Sandie, though. Chances were, she would never notice the set-up, and even if she did she might not know what it was. Another possibility was that she would be thrilled and jump to get herself a sniff. I determined there were too many unknowns, and I had to come up with a more sinister plot.

I looked at the computer screen for a few moments, unsure what to do with it. Then I decided to take a last look at the notes I had made during these past three months. Despite the prevailing headache, I couldn’t help but grin when I read the first entries. My status as a successful writer was bleak when I arrived here, but on Monday morning I would sign a contract with Sandie’s boss, Jonathan O’Keeffe, one of the heavyweights in the book publishing industry.

That same day I would return to my home and my pregnant wife in Montgomery Village in Maryland. Roughly two weeks later, if everything went according to the doctor’s prediction, we would have our first child, and I was looking forward to it.

Sandie grunted under the silk blanket and turned around, interrupting my frantic typing on the computer, while I was adding to my notes. Then I shook my head. There was no way the barely noticeable clicking would wake her. She was not a morning person either. She would sleep until the afternoon if I didn’t wake her, but at the same time I toyed with the notion of simply leaving the studio later this morning. Maybe I should spend some leisure time in Central Park without her, however, not without leaving a romantic note saying something like I didn’t dare to wake the sleeping beauty. She always fell for this kind of stuff. The idea of kicking her out today, or even at this very moment, was tempting, but I needed to wait until I had signed that contract.

I turned my attention back to the computer. It is remarkable how the memories and emotions of past events are refreshed when you keep a written record. Some emotions come back as they were, others, in view of the time passed, are different. I also realized how naive I was then. That had changed profoundly. My experiences with the people in the publishing industry had turned me into a ruthless bastard, and I was brilliant at it. I had truly learned playing their game.

Another look at the screen, checking the date of the entry, and I realized that it was three months earlier to the day when we met with Steve, a good friend of ours, to discuss our plan.

For a short time after the release of my first novel The Bleeding Hills I felt like living in a mental vacuum. The work on the novel and researching the background information was intense, and that intensity vanished the day we submitted the finished work for distribution. It is said that the actual work comes when promoting your novel, and I engaged into a number of marketing activities, some of them not as effective as others. Nevertheless, I learned a lot about the market, for instance, by reading printed as well as online publications.

The idea for American Male Prostitute came after reading my favorite, most useless magazine, Writer’s Digest. Well, it is not totally useless, since it provided me with enough information to learn about the bizarre world of book publishing. Just the other day, I found yet another advertisement that made my blood broil, and I was ready to get my hands on that computer keyboard and add a flaming entry to my blog. Maybe, I thought, I’ll make this a series and share my experiences with every new, aspiring author.

To put it in a nut-shell, today’s publishing world is a shark tank. There is a great number of sharks out there, circling the waters, prying on the vast number of wannabe-authors who will never have a chance to sell their work, but are nevertheless naive enough to spend their money with useless services. It is a shame that a magazine such as Writer’s Digest is in the business to support these dubious businesses.

Through my research I found that the market for nonfiction on writing and publishing is cluttered ad nauseam. The majority of these works are – excuse my French – full of crap. Then I remembered the saying “Don’t anger me or I will write a novel about you”, and that is what I am currently doing. There is no better weapon than writing a novel about the industry. They deserve it.

Originally, I had in mind to publish American Male Prostitute as a regular paperback version, but during time I found that I was quite successful with promoting my personal website, FrogenYozurt.Com. I created FrogenYozurt initially to promote my first novel, The Bleeding Hills, but as it turned out, I had way too much fun writing about pretty much everything that interested me. According to my web statistics FrogenYozurt experiences continuously increasing web traffic, and that little fact encouraged me to go with a not-entirely-new idea of book promotion.

Since I am having so much fun and success with maintaining my blog, why not post the progress on my newest novel on the world wide web? The best promotion for your first novel is the release of your second, and I didn’t have the patience to wait that long. Promoting and selling your first novel is by far the toughest task in the business world, and the profit per sold book is ridiculous, not mentioning the virtually non-existing return of investment. Promoting my writing using an aggressive, yet very inexpensive method, and on top having so much fun doing it, seemed to be the logical consequence.

You can see the result at http://www.AmericanMaleProstitute.com, meaning you can read the novel free of charge. Please be aware that this is a work in progress. Instead of adding to and modifying my novel in Microsoft Word I will continue writing through WordPress – the technology behind the website. In addition I hope to receive feedback from other writers, wannabe-writers, or just regular readers. I am looking forward to a lively discussion with my readers.

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The Bleeding Hills

A Novel by Wilfried F. Voss

I have fought a good fight,
I have finished my course,
I have kept the faith.
- 2 Timothy iv. 7

The Irish War is officially a part of history, but not for Finnean Whelan, an IRA veteran of almost 40 years. British Intelligence has produced evidence that he is the mastermind behind a conspiracy to assassinate the First Minister of Northern Ireland. For Whelan this is not only a mission of revenge, but marks the beginning of a journey into the past and the return to the one true love: Ireland. [More...]

The Bleeding Hills is available at Amazon.Com, Amazon.co.uk, Barnes & Nobel, and any other good bookstore.

In another entry on this blog I couldn’t find anything good about literary agents and their apparent lack of business sense. At the same time I was very impressed by the business model and the professional attitude of the Writers Literary Agency. Rather than dealing with a single, overworked and unorganized literary agent (agents always complain about the number of queries they receive), I found it refreshing to deal with a team of professionals where each member took on a certain aspect in the process of finding a publisher. However, with what I learned today, I am happy I didn’t sign the contract they had sent me. As it turns out the whole thing is a scam. Let me quote from another web site:

“Literary Agency has no verifiable record of book sales under any of its names. For this reason (among others) they’re on Writer Beware’s Thumbs Down Agents list.

There is currently an active investigation into their business in the state of Florida (the 275 Madison Avenue address is a mail-forwarding service). If you live in Florida and have had any interaction with any of these “agencies,” please contact the Florida attorney general.

The way their operation works:

They accept any and every manuscript that is sent to them. They require that the manuscript be given an “independent critique,” which they are willing to sell to you for $90, from another company that they secretly own. Based on this “critique” they will offer to represent you, but will request that you have the manuscript “professionally edited,” again by a company that they secretly own. After you pay whatever amount you’re willing to pay for the “edit,” you’ll be told that you need a web page to advertise your book to publishers, for which they’ll charge you $150. After that, they’ll offer you their “aggressive agent” program, for $90, to submit the work to publishers. Children’s book authors may be asked to pay for illustrations. Screenwriters may be asked to pay for “coverage.”

As I mentioned, they have no apparent record of sales to commercial publishers, despite having been in business for the better part of a decade (under one name or another).” – WritersNet.com

The scary thing is that the requests for critique and editing make sense. Getting a critique of your work is helpful. Having your work edited is absolutely mandatory for a new, and even the established writer. Again, all this makes sense, and for that reason it is so easy to fall for the scam.

Let me also fortify my statement on their professional approach. The Writers Literary Agency explained the whole process between accepting a manuscript and finding a publisher in minute detail. The information they provided was extremely helpful for me to understand the process, and I wish regular, honest literary agents would go through the same effort of attracting new clients. The entire interaction between a new client and the Writers Literary Agency took place per e-mail which I personally deem highly effective, and I still believe that regular literary agents could learn a lesson or two from them. In fact, a great number of literary agents have just started to discover the possibilities that are provided by the Internet.

Yes, the downside is that a fast Internet connection combined with a word-processor encouraged a vast number of people believing they can write, may it be poetry, fiction, or nonfiction. The harsh truth is that the vast majority of these writers will never publish a book, unless they spend thousands of Dollars through a vanity publisher. Nevertheless, it is time that literary agents discover the power of the Internet. The Writers Literary Agency actually demonstrated how it can work, if only they would actually look for a publisher…

American Male Prostitute - A Novel by Wilfried F. Voss

You think the title is a little strong? Well, maybe, but there is a truth behind it.

I am sure there are some good ones out there, but I stay with my statement when it comes to the majority of literary agents. As a business man I am appalled by the lack of business sense these people display to the public, especially when it comes to rejecting writers not because they’re not talented but due to primitive reason such as violation of the submission guidelines.

As a background information, I started writing technical literature in 2005 and I never even considered going through an application process; I jumped immediately into self-publishing and my business, Copperhill Media, is now officially a micro-publisher with distribution through Ingram. I have just published my first novel, The Bleeding Hills. I self-publish simply because I just don’t have the patience to look for the right agent and find the right publisher, a process that usually takes years before your work is published. The whole process is extremely ineffective and it does not fit with my sense for business.

I developed my case against literary agents after reading my most-favorite useless magazine, Writer’s Digest. Well, maybe not so useless, since the content convinced me that their preference for established publishing did not agree with me.

Okay, back to the agents… The September 2009 issue of Writer’s Digest includes an article Real Queries That Worked, sub-titled Agents share queries that hooked them – and insights on what made them effective. A remark for the novice: In order to find an agent - Writer’s Digest will gladly sell you a list – you need to submit not only your manuscript – or an excerpt thereof – but also a synopsis, which all makes sense. Through the query – in layman’s terms a cover letter – you need to convince the agent that your novel is the best thing since, let’s say, The Da Vinci Code. There are services - Writer’s Digest will gladly sell you a list – that will write you such a letter, and, naturally, they would like to be paid for it.

Wait a minute, you might say. Isn’t that like writing a cover letter that you include with your resume? The answer is, yes, the process is very similar. I know out of experience that many HR professionals, sitting in front of a pile of resumes submitted by hundreds of people applying for the same job, start their selection process by merely scanning over the cover letter. If they don’t like it, it’s out. After that they look at the remaining resumes and actually check for job qualification. Apparently, literary agents work very similar.

In all consequence, writing a professional looking author query is important, and it makes sense to hire a professional service to help increase your chances.

So, what’s wrong about this process? Okay, first of all, submitting a cover letter with your resume or submitting an author’s query with a manuscript are two very different things. An HR professional looks for one – the best – person to fill a particular job, and, naturally, competition is tough.

A literary agent may end up with the same number of queries on his/her desk, but in the end each of these applications could bring them the next John Grisham, Stephen King, or Dan Brown. Add to this that each query is submitted by a potential customer who, with the sale of the first book, shares his/her income with the agent. This being said, wouldn’t it make sense to read the query regardless of appearance or if it complies with submission guidelines?

As a business man I would concentrate on the synopsis and make the educated decision whether or not the submission has enough potential for another bestseller. I believe in looking at the actual result of the artist’s work.

The Writer’s Digest article mentions the example of an actual query praised by a real agent, saying “…I was hooked and knew I wanted to read…” the author’s work.

Let me quote from the letter: “I believe this book to be of broad public appeal in that it combines the scintillating fervor of scandal with the true-to-life detachment of history.” It goes on like this – in best lawyer’s English – and, honestly, if his work is written in the same style I personally wouldn’t want to read it – it doesn’t read like, let’s say, Dan Brown. It did, however, convince the agent, and, apparently it doesn’t matter if the letter reflects the writer’s style or not.

Well, maybe I still got it wrong and agents just prefer to receive a clear and precise synopsis, but will nevertheless have a look at the manuscript.

It also seems that agents are increasingly using “modern” technologies such as … e-mail! Some of them ask only for information without the actual manuscript. Many agents need to be convinced first that the writer can prove a writing experience, can provide a marketing plan, has won several prizes in writing contest, etc.

Personally, I have not won any prizes – didn’t even attend any contest – but, yes, I do have a precise marketing plan. With a good marketing plan in place, why go through an agent and publisher? If you need to provide the expertise, why not publish yourself? And, by the way, does my novel have anything to do with this process?

Let me add to my case by quoting some agents’ comments as listed in the September 2009 issue of Writer’s Digest:

- We prefer a (e-mail) query before you send us your ms (Manuscript)…Queries sent with attachments will be deleted unread.

- Only (written) queries with SASEs will receive responses. I generally respond to all queries within four weeks. I now accept e-mail submissions, please include my name in the subject line. (Meaning that person is new to Internet technologies and receives e-mail through another source.)

- Allow 60 days for a reply.

-  All submissions should be free of spelling and grammatical errors. (Duh!)

- Due to overwhelming number of submissions we cannot respond to all submissions, we cannot respond to all queries, but we do read them and will contact you if interested. (If not, they don’t bother to respond.)

-  If she’s interested in your work, she will respond within four weeks. Snail mail submissions will not be reviewed.

- If you haven’t heard from her within eight weeks, please assume she is passing on your project. (Now, that reflects an attitude I wouldn’t want to deal with as a writer.)

- I always welcome submissions from new authors. Follow the submission guidelines on the agency website. (Oops! That’s a good one! This is how it should be!)

- Agent responds in six to eight weeks.

It goes on like this.

Anyways, here are some tips on selecting an agent:

- Check out the agent’s web site. Doesn’t have one? Don’t even bother dealing with him/her.

- Check the web site for submission guidelines and see if you like it.

- Is there a procedure in place? You would not only like to know what is important to them, but also what they will do for you. After all, you are the customer.

As usual, if you feel the urge leave a comment, whether you agree with me or not. I’d like to hear from you.